Yesterday was a big day, I took my son for a big interview and examination to get into a prestigious international school and apart from feeling all a mother might feel for her child as they engage in adulthood and their own aspirations for life, I felt a deep space of my own grief for this transition and a sense that there was some martyrdom in my feeling of letting him go, that this precious child I have loved and cherished and has been by my side all my life was leaving me. I felt like I was sacrificing something. I felt in this strange place, a liminal space as the transition is not quite complete. As I work on self-realization, spiritual psychology, and emotional healing,  I knew I would process all the feelings from the day as I got some quiet and stillness ...
 

I realized how this trip had also included in the time we waited for him a trip to the Black Madonna and of all the Black Madonna’s this one at Limoges,  and one that has always been somewhat of a struggle to get to in my past before I actually came to live near here was part of this process. She is the Black Mother and in her, she contains all that is associated with the dark, for my fertility, life, and death, the shadow, the parts of us we do not want to see.  One of my favorite parts of the cathedral that she stands in is a shrine of the female martyrs, it moves me every time to see the female saints so cruelly tortured and martyred.. It is so beautifully painted every female saint looks so gentle in their different states of torture. The paintings show breasts being cut off, women thrown to the lions, burned at the stake, and the Dove as the representation of the Holy Spirit, the ring of gold around their heads symbolizing their own holiness. 

I have in time come across the stories of some of these female saints: 

 

St Philomena refused an elderly Emperors hand in marriage ( she was 13!) and so was decapitated. 

 

St Rufina was commanded by Governor, Diogenianus to speak against Christ, but she refused and so the Governor ordered her death by her being thrown to the lions, however, the lions did not eat her! So instead he had her strangled and burnt at the stake. 

Saint Agatha, refused the sexual advances of another governor who ordered her breasts to be cut off and sent to the dungeon to die. 

 

The pictures show these stories and show that their souls returned to Creator, to God. 

 

It always impacts me to see these images, and I am always emotionally moved by the pictorial depictions that these stories represent on a bigger symbolic value, if you care to go there. I digested the images again and swiftly moved on to see the Black Madonna. Now let me tell you this Black Madonna of all the Black Mothers remains the biggest mystery to me. I always get a very clear symbol, a very clear message from the other Madonna, they seem to connect to me in a way that I am unable to explain, yet again the most insight. This Madonna has always remained ‘closed to me’ she has always been silent, though she feels so very mother. She is encased in mosaics, an artistic endeavor commissioned by the church to a local artist. She feels encased in that mosaic, and I would of course like and have projected that this is the case for her silence with me. Yet I also have had it that there is a place in me that is simply not ready to meet her like there are some more parts of me that have to be worked on for her to connect to me. … and all this has left me feeling many things, one of them would be not ‘good enough and this would absolutely synchronize with the work I have been doing with my Jungian. 

 

There are many things to consider when you are working in the unconscious realms of your mind and much to ponder on …  least of all that when I got the shrine, it was ‘closed’ and she had her back to me. How symbolic. 

 

I sit with the words martyr and mother on my lips and wonder whether there feels a place for martyrdom in mothering ( i know psychologically this is a hot topic!) or whether that in my son growing into adulthood I feel that the sacrifice of losing him into his own life and a fear of the end of motherhood as I have known it.
 
 The martyr complex has revealed itself and one which I will definitely be working on in myself and I wonder how many of us recognize this complex in ourselves.  What does having a martyr complex mean? It means that you are often self-sacrifice and offer service to others at your own expense. Identifying martyr traits and tendencies can prevent burnout and stress in your relationships. It can be the space where you often can't say no, feel unable to voice what you are really feeling and thinking, and instead carry on in accordance to suit others. Do you constantly feel like we are responsible for making others happy and often do not feel appreciated?
 
 Do you feel the martyr in you or in others you know?
 
 Hope to share more on the Martyr with you soon - watch this space.
 
 Collette
 xxx