I have been sat with some pieces over the last few days after a very powerful session with my Jungian psychotherapist/analyst. I was asked to draw a mandala to support the delve into my animus and his anger .. the whole process was particularly difficult for me and brought up many feelings that I tried to resist, but to no avail. I was emotional , and it was painful , releasing and revealing at the same time.  The analysis after was profound and took me into a very deep wound and a space where so much made sense of my work, my relationships and my behaviour to date.

There is this space where I am often overlooked , a space where envy and jealousy has reigned in friendships with women and competition that I was not conscious of . I have been deeply hurt and betrayed and no doubt I too have hurt and betrayed. There is a place of envy that lives in me and I feel in the sister hood of women that I am exploring through this . There is this constant piece where people seem to want to use my skills , my talents , my energy to their own advantage and while completely willing to bury me in the process. There is something in their unconscious mind that works to try to sabotage me and in this , a place for me to observe of my own self sabotaging patterns which is revealing itself to me in dreams. 

 

So I ventured with all this in my mind to see my lover where he has been working in a place called ‘Angers’ Yes … Angers ! and if you have done any Jungian work you know of the synchronicities that begin to wave big flags in front of your face. I have felt the anger of my sabotage and the sabotage of others over the last few days and it feels like a good place to release it! 

 

In the Church in Rennes with my two loves by my side, while I felt their warmth next to me and their arms around me, I felt the love of the masculine I receive in my life and tried to honour that within my self and my own inner masculine who torments me a lot of the time , I allowed him the space of his anger and offered him love.  I felt this warmth as I prayed to Mary and asked her why I was here in France , during all this separation , all the mandates that were against the spiritual laws of freedom and integrity that I have come to know so deeply on this path. She answered me simply ‘because of me’ and as it landed that the truth was in this land , I felt more connected to the divineness of the feminine, of the mother, of Mary and the Black Madonna, that I too felt closer to my own inner feminine. She had brought me here .. she had spoken to me to make me stay here , those four years ago.  I admitted, reluctantly I would like to add, as I reluctantly admitted I had to stay in France those years ago , that here is where my work needs to be done. DESPITE the resistance and in tune with that very resistance. 

 

As I sat once again with that divine masculine source in my life that holds me in the form of my Lover and my son , today in the botanical gardens of Nantes, I analysed last night’s dream Jung style and it revealed to me the wildness of my gypsy  heart and the deep call in my life to create community. This opened my consciousness to the next steps on my path and that very calling to create community in the lineage of the Rose that I have been working.

 

It all landed on my lap in that park and I asked the Divine beings that work for my Beloved God to show me a sign … and they did. The white dove flew above my head and landed in front of me with a group of pigeons being fed by an old man. This old man reminded me of my Grandad , and yet another synchronicity from the day before in Rennes when  I sent my father an image of the square where we sat and he replied that ‘ my Grandfather used to race pigeons from Rennes’ and I felt my ancestors collide with me in this moment. DO IT …  

 

So in my inner world I have been with so much movement , while holding this beautiful time with my lover and son . sharing with them this next piece that is unfolding that wants to live through me and how it will unfold, how I will make it work…how , what why, where, when.  If you know me, you know that when something lands for me I move mountains to make it work and these are possibly the biggest mountains I will have to move in my life… but I know if anyone can , I can. 

 

So I share this to put it out there, to be held accountable , to be witnessed in the planting of these seeds, these seeds that are not new seeds, but seeds that have been sat in my pocket for some time waiting for the right time, the right space, the right place.. and for me to fully engage with what I came here to do and to stop sabotaging myself and making myself small. 

 

There are two parts to making a mandala … and now I am ready to make the second one. I journey home tomorrow and it will be there I complete the second Mandala. 

 

Collette