MEA CULPA  - THROUGH MY FAULT

The Latin phrase mea culpa means “through my fault” and is used to admit guilt or wrongdoing.

There’s a part of me screaming inside and when I feel that I write, I feel it and I write it. I may not be right, I may not be wrong but the inner world wants to express its through my writing . So here I am pen to paper or should I say finger to keyboard so I can let it all leave me. Today I went to a shop to buy some plant pots, I could buy these plant pots and gnome if I wanted, but I couldn’t buy paper or crafts .. because there was a big sign saying “non-essential”  I felt like kicking it down …it’s a joke, a big fat joke. I stood there ‘why can’t people see this bullshit , why can’t people see that this is all a game of control?’ I stood blurry eyed looking at what I could and couldn’t buy … who made this up ? If this was a real horrific , life threating for all pandemic , this shop wouldn’t be open at all. Did Covid lurk in the isle with the candle holders and the stickers and the glow in the dark pens? Does it only care to take our joy  and anything that that we found pleasure in? Is it that intelligent ? Or is the intelligence the governments and the dictators who told the shop to cover all items that gave pleasure ?

Fuming and in my disbelief I left to go get ‘essential potatoes’ … flicking on my social media to read  a post by someone who made a mockery of what was going on , a totally disconnected post like the vaccine was not part of their life and they were ‘beyond ‘ and ‘above’ the collectives concern over what Is happening out there. I wanted in all honesty to write a big long answer to that person that felt that this HUGE SPIRITUAL movement was beyond them and that their need for something else was obviously so above the common rhetoric of Covid and the vaccine. But I didn’t … I let it boil inside of me. I chewed on it until it made me dizzy and triggered me until I let out a big OH MY GOD WHY ARENT PEOPLE GETTING IT ? and held the space in the car with my family as they patted me on the shoulder and held me in my despair. You see , Ive done a lot of work on myself , physically , emotionally and spiritually and I still feel all of these HUMAN emotions, frustrations and triggers. I am not disconnecting, I am not using spirituality to disconnect from what’s happening in our world because I am ABOVE it , BEYOND it , NOT OF IT.  OF course I am and the more inner work, the more psychological work, the more spiritual work I do the more I realise I am the very fabric of what Is happening in the world.  I remember the words of one of my many Teacher’s who said ‘people will chose to dissociate from that which they are not ready to face, they will find all ways to disconnect from reality and the events of the world to avoid the feelings it will bring to them, that they will even use spirituality as an escape mechanism from the real world, from what  is happening to their humanity and focus on spirituality.”  My trigger softened and I realised that some people  are not ready to see what’s happening ,  that even I wasn’t prepared to see what is really happening, that we hide our fear in many ways . I see we  will escape reality by all means in order not to face the cold hard truth. As we go through the darkest nights of all our souls it’s important to acknowledge everyone has their own response to trauma. These are traumatising times and eventually everyone will have to face them.  If you feel that mask wearing, everything shutting  down,  people losing their jobs, people separated from families , restrictions,  enforcing vaccines, restricted movement,  and a virus that is killing people is  not something that should have your focus them I can honestly say that that is disassociation ! I This  will force us all to connect to the reality of what this time is trying to show us.  It is taking us all on a unique journey at our own pace and in our own time. My own frustration here is my own healing and my own projection and all those emotions and feelings, all the pondering on it , reflecting on my behaviour brought me to this. 

I have just worked through Mea Culpa with my Jungian psychology studies and Jungian analysts who have helped me get to those darker recesses of the subconscious where all my own traumas and shadow behaviours are held. I do judge, because I am human, I do feel because I am human , I do get angry, sad, frustrated because I am human. Evolution is a devolution of the self and I am finding myself to be much realer than I have ever been… I used to chase enlightenment as a false sense of the self where I transcended above others. Here after many years I find myself in the same pit of humanness as all my fellow humans. I still struggle to accept , I still struggle to not feel so frustrated when people are so disconnected from what is happening in our world. I am worried, so worried about our future on this planet as control sneaks in , as we lose freedoms as this agenda plays out and people have no idea what is going on . I pray I am wrong, I hope that what is see, what I intuit is not the truth but the more work , the more I recognise that we are being taken down dark times that many couldn’t even begin to imagine let along believe. 

I pray we all CONNECT to what’s happening, we all question it but above all we all CARE.