There is a place where death comes unexpectedly. Death  she came twice,, she didn’t touch me , but she was near , I felt her. She was stronger than I , much stronger and as I tried with all my might , all my soul, all my prayers in me , calling to God , the Mother and the Father, with mercy staining my lips and heartbreak in my heart, shock in my system, she came and took. I had no control over her, none at all , what a fool to think I did, she brought me to my knees to feel the humility of my powerlessness and the movement of life that I have absolutely no control of.

 

I thought I would experience you a different way ,not this way. I have nodded to you before, but not this way, this isn’t the way you really show yourself to me, I have a different story.

 

In the moments after she came , she left me in confusion , shock ,horror, gasping, grasping onto nothing. There is nothing you can hold onto, the pain, the emptiness, the sorrow ,sweeps through you, grabs you by the legs takes you under. Drowning in her aftermath, struggling to breathe and function , the world withers, moves like a kaleidoscope of psychedelic vision. All  you can do is feel and feeling is painful, the overwhelm drowns you and all you can do is hold onto a point , a point that is not marked out, a point that is not clear but you know that it will keep you buoyant. You float in a dark ocean, where there is no rescue party, no flares you can light , all is futile . 

 

Try as you might to stay afloat you finally know that you have to drown. In the abyss of the dark you go, not knowing anything other than the descent. Fear suffocates you further, it holds your breath, prolongs the inevitable … you know you will eventually drown, into you, into the dark you have avoided in very way you can, in every possible conceivable way known to man. 

 

And as you sink , as you drown, although the mighty power that fights for survival, there is a part of you that calls ‘take me, take me’ and some of you is taken, but not all. What do I have to do to be totally taken? I am unconscious of the fight I am making not to, the fight I am in to wrangle with what I know I need. There is only now, there is only what is , there is only this because the feelings and the pain and the memories root me here NOW in the feelings , feelings of emptiness and feelings of Love. 

All rushes through into the dark , time, years of this , my story  bursts into the darkness now, The story now , only a catalyst for it all. 

 

And there the light comes on , in the corner of the darkness that illuminates the shadow lands and shows me Love…do you feel the intensity here of this love , the love you feel because you are suffering?

 

This is why you are suffering , so you could feel love in this intensity, feel the places in your heart you could not reach before . do you feel it now?

 

It came those that loved, aligned with me in this moment, like a floodgate of knowing, sensing. “Bring me love aligned with the road ahead I asked , I am willing to suffer if it is aligned and has the potential to expand my heart.”

She whispered ‘ I will show you’ and she did in a tsunami of grief I was shown.

 

 

 

 “Why love if losing hurt so much. I have no answers anymore, only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I’ve been given the choice. As a boy and as a man. The boy choose safety, the man chooses suffering.The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.” CS lewis- Shadowlands